Many thoughts and ideas have been pondering inside my head of late, they pop in and out of my subconscious, sometimes wearing a mask to hide and other times presenting as clear as day. Recently, in the past few weeks I identified a common thread weaving through my pondering thoughts and ideas like a bright crimson red wool embroidery thread. Presenting ever so clearly stitch by stitch, weaving through my head connecting each word with each stitch. My aha moment happened like this.
An unusually warm late fall day, the leaves had fallen and Brandon had blown our fallen Norwegian maple leaves to our garden beds for composting and mulch come spring. The grass was a bright dark kelly green and seemed so welcoming as if it was calling me outside to sit one last time before winter. This would be a perfect day for me to step out front and take in my neighbourhood from my property, however I couldn’t. I knew this to be vividly crystal clear and I knew why I wasn’t able to do such a joyous activity. It was at this moment as the sun hit the glistening kelly green grass that I realized I was unable to trust other people.
The sidewalks were filled by passing community members walking dogs who were pleased to be on their way to the park, exercising men on speed bikes with tight bike gear yelling to each other as they sped through the quiet residential neighbourhood trying to meet a timed record loop, children playing loudly and randomly in big groups like recess in a school yard. However, there were no people, my neighbours or community members practicing safety measures to keep those around them safe in our current climate of Covid 19 pandemic. This was a simple deduction for me, I had lost all trust in other humans. Hence due to health and safety I couldn’t step outside on my green lawn to enjoy the sunny last moments of fall.
This trust has been eroding for the past decade, beginning with doctors who didn’t support my health concerns and conditions, to a professional environment that provided nowhere safe for me to each my lunch and due to food and multiple chemical sensitivities I often ate in my car to be safe, to people who freely enter public spaces with a cold, flu or virus not giving a thought to what their illness could do to someone immune compromised and at high risk of contracting anything and everything. Or worse dying because of another persons action, in other circumstances this would be homicide.
There are so many things needed to live my life that require such strict restrictions to stay without colds, flu or virus, free of chemical sensitivity reactions as well as various over stimulations that I must prevent. I think that having one person, my daily caregiver, my partner in life, my best friend being Brandon Steen is my only one true trust. He has been by my side for nearly 30 years and over this time I have taught him much about my conditions, restrictions and needs. He must lead a very isolated life to prevent bringing home a virus to me and thus he has been living in quarantine with me since March. Brandon is one person who truly cannot wait until he can be vaccinated as he poses a life threat to me when he leaves the house and returns.
I have been living mostly in isolation for three years, most of my contact with others is virtually. My specialists informed me that due to my conditions I most likely won’t be able to take the vaccine for Covid 19 as my body simply won’t tolerate it. Funny I haven’t been able to trust a flu shot for years because my body can’t tolerate it. Trust has truly been weaving like a crimson red embroidery thread in and out of my life for many years now.
What comes next is uncertain. I suppose I will enjoy the world through my window panes, take in my English garden with solitude and express myself through my art, sharing my life virtually with others, in this I find trust.