The Ebb & Flow of Painting

A part of my life completely invisible and unimaginable to others is the duration of time needed for me to complete anything, even paintings. Although, it has become my life I don’t think it is projected to others the true amount of time dedicated to creating a painting. I refer to this as the ebb and flow of my painting experience. The ebb is my rest time and the flow is my painting time, together they are the balance keeping my body happy and peaceful. Early in my healing journey, I discovered I had a three and a half week turnaround time from everyones typical 24 hour day. This continues to hold true in my life today, four years later I have learned my ebb and flow.

Pop onto my facebook page Jane Holden Art and you will notice that I am occasionally in my studio. I am not of the ability to hold a part time, full time or occasional work experience outside of the house. My paintings are one of the only skills I have that allow me to function within my ability parameters allowing for pacing and not cause relapses of my conditions. Writing this blog is the only task I can accomplish in moderate rest, which I am forever grateful for. Of course this did not just happen one day, it took much experimentation, modification, reorganization and trials to achieve this task.

There is a hollow invisibleness with living through the wires of the internet and social media platforms. Only what one wants to show others becomes the image used by others to make understanding of another person. It became very clear years ago now in my new life journey that people don’t wish to view another person’s challenges in life. Posts of this content receive crickets, are ignored and go unseen, adding to the list of non validation one faces when adjusting to an entirely new lifestyle full of suffering and challenge. Thus it is not clear to others the full process of painting and the lengthy process that it has become for me. A very much filtered one sided view into my life, completely void of life’s true reality. I have thought of doing an awareness video on painting with disability from M.E. for others like myself, however conveying time is elusive in video much like the internet.

Thus I have turned to written word as it has the breadth to convey meaning within complex situations. Let us begin. A concept for my paintings comes to me within a quiet period. It is in this time I think on this concept working it out all within my head. Given a proper gestation period I am then able to put my idea onto paper. I usually begins through word expressing my thoughts, working it into sentence form and I usually end up at an artist statement. This period of time can happen months in advance of beginning any painting whatsoever. In fact, I am usually executing another series of paintings during this time.

On a rare occasion, I may be able to explore a study while finishing up paintings in a series but the concept usually waits until all prior painting is finished. How long this takes is completely out of my control, as my body controls me, this is the ebb and flow. The cells and mitochondria within me are my control paddles, never fully charged the battery within them decides when my body needs to be cradled for charging.

Likely you are beginning to wonder what my painting sessions look like, let me tell you. My body doesn’t function until midday hours, in fact our mealtimes are completely off the common person’s schedule. Thus I often know by noonish time if my body has the ability to paint. I may get into my studio around 1 p.m.. At this time, I look at what I have to work on. Then I pick a painting task within my energy envelope. This means I can paint for a maximum of 10 minutes, this is not a long period of time. When I feel in my body that I need a rest, I stop. Then I assess if I have energy for another round. My painting is like a boxing match, I never know what round I will make it too. I don’t even know if I will make it into the ring which is my studio in any given day.

If I am only ever able to paint for a 10 minute chunk the odd day you now get the picture that my paintings take me many chunks of sessions in the studio to make it to completion. My ring time is very short lived. The amount of times I need to retreat into the corner of the ring for a rest often outdoes the time painting at my easel, although I have a lovely comfortable sofa to rest on. Lately, I have been out of my studio much more than in it. This will change, I don’t know when but it will happen. Currently my paintings panels are awaiting my return. The best thing about a painting is that it doesn’t judge and is patient to wait for my return. Always ready to begin where I left off during my last chunk of time in the ring.

In fact just this week my blog written for publishing became my reality. Due to a completely unexpected and unfortunate circumstance my body was overstimulated causing me to go into rest. My body doesn’t function normally and requires me to regulate myself with strategies and treatments. I had a lovely session on Monday in my studio be it a short one, expecting that this week I would be of ability to have a few of these. I did not. My paintings once again siting in quiet waiting for my return. I have boundaries to prevent ebb and encourage flow but occasionally something unforeseen can break my boundaries. And yes, my boundary wall just went up more fortified and taller with a stronger material of stone making it unmovable and unbreakable. My Helen Mirren, ‘Fuck off’ is in full gear now!

In the last couple of years I have been able to create three series of paintings and I am to begin working new series soon. This has been a good thing for my painting practice. I now have a variety of different painting processes that I can choose from during a painting chunk. This is how the energy envelope works. Each conceptual for my painting series has a different process, allowing for a variety of chunks of time to complete a task. I can now choose what works for me on any given day, jumping into the ring with brushes, paint and panels when I can. Always moving forward working towards completing a painting. Overtime with much cradling for battery recharge all my paintings are completed with success, no small task but very rewarding.